my preciouussssss

Life is a like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. Unless it’s a box of chocolate covered macademian nuts, because then you know you’re getting macademian nuts in chocolate.

—————————-

(waiting for residency acceptance offers)
Mom: Someone called for Jasmine!
Jennifer: Who?
Mom: Someone, something.
Jennifer: Mom, you can’t just saying ‘something.’
Mom: University.
Jennifer: University of what? There are lots of universities.
Mom: Uhh..they said University of Mitsubishi.
Jennifer: That’s not real, that’s a car company!
Mom: Mitsubishi.
Jennifer: Do you mean Mississippi?
Mom: ….It could be Arizona.

————

Me: Here, Jason, have some cupcakes!

Jason: Thanks! hey wait- are you trying to fatten me up for Thanksgiving?

Me: No, no, of course not.

Jason: Yay!

Me:  Time for your gullet massage now

——————————

Me: So how can we tell  if a mice is pregnant or not?

Lab tech: You just look to see if it’s fat or not.

Me: That’s it??

Lab tech: Yeah, what were you thinking?

Me: I thought maybe there was a stick it could pee on or something, and like, 4 to 6 plus signs would show up if it was pregnant.

————————————————

(mom leading prayer for Thanksgiving. We all bow our heads)

Mom:  God, thank you for family (mumble mumble mumble). Okay? Thank you . Bye bye.

Me: What was that?

Jennifer: Thank you bye bye???

——————————————-

Me: i wonder if i like african cocoa or south american cocoa more
Jason: i imagine african cocoa is darker
Jason: south american cocoa spicier
Me: With more hip shake to it.
Jason: and more Catholic

———————–

Dad: While I’m away, I want you to spend at least 1 minute watering for each plant.
Jasmine : You know dad, I think you have too many plants. I think it’d be good if some of them died.
Dad: I think I have too many daughters.
———-

Aj and I were scheming how to get a cheap dinner by pretending to be restaurant reviewers. This is how we envisioned it would go

Aj: Hi, we’re from ‘Food and Wine’ magazine. But, I don’t drink. And she gets sick when she drinks. Like, really tachycardic and red.

Me: So, basically we’re here just for the ‘Food’ part.

—————————————–

(via phone call)

Nancy: Jasmine! It’s me, Nancy! and…. (hands over phone)

Ilir: “hello jasmine!”

Nancy (flatly): Ok, I guess it’s Nancy and ‘Hello Jasmine’…

————————

On my vacation, my sister picks me up from the airport. We chat, catch up about old times, make jokes with references only we’d get. I am moved by a sudden wave of sisterly affection.

Me: Mom’s right. You should have two kids. How could an only child find someone to talk to about stuff like this?

Jennifer: Also, how could they pick themselves up from the airport?

——————

Jennifer: You know how the Irish say “potaaayto?”

Me: I think that was an Italian accent.

Jennifer: No, Italians say “potaaayto”

Me: I see…

————————————

Jessica (calling from her car window): Here’s money for the milkshake.
Me: No, you don’t have to pay back.
Jessica: Take it!
Jessica (starts waving cash out the car window): Come onn…Come onnnn!
Me: …I look like prostitute…please, just go away…

—–
Jennifer: You’ve seen Mean Girls, right?
Me: Yes.
Jennifer: You know who the Plastics are then. I hang out with a these girls people call the Plastics…they’re just like from the movie. I’m a Plastic!
Me: And you’re proud of this?
Jennifer: You know, it’s like they said in the movie: everyone hates them but everyone wants to be one.
Me (thinks about it): You’re right! I do want to be one!
Me: Hey, hey, what am I then? Do i get to be anything?
Jennifer: Uh, whatever is the opposite of plastic I guess.
Jennifer: Recycled Paper?
———

Me: So you’re dating one of your med students?

Divya nods a bit sheepishly.

Me: Oh. (trying to think of something to say) Well, good thing you’re not a kindergarten teacher.

—————–

Smuggy4: i like it when i sing in my car the best
slovely78 : we all do
Smuggy4 : what do you like to sing in the car?
slovely78: i like to hum the theme song to Children of the Corn.
Smuggy4: i wish you hadn’t told me that
slovely78: why not? it’s very uplifting.
Smuggy4: i wish you hadn’t told me that, either
slovely78: why not? i think someday we will all be “children of the corn” in our own unique way.

———————-
Jasmine: You sound so educated.
Jason: I AM educated!
———-
Kev (looking at jason’s arm): You have big veins. It’d be really easy to draw blood on you.

Jason: You think that one is big? You should see the one on my penis.
———-

Smuggy4: Online dating…I dunno. A pen-girlfriend could be in prison, for all you know, making hooch in the toilet
salsaking202 : hooch?
Smuggy4: alcohol
Smuggy4: they mix all sorts of stuff in the toilet and let it ferment
salsaking202: really? I didn’t know that
salsaking202: sounds gross
Smuggy4 : it’s prison
Smuggy4 : you need to watch more TV!
salsaking202: Yea I don’t know about much…like what hipoes eat
salsaking202: or like the history of bricks
Smuggy4 : hippos eat white marbles
Smuggy4 : haven’t you ever played Hungry Hungry Hippos?
salsaking202: I think thats a toy jasmine
———
Smuggy4: Sylvia!
Thatbabysastereo: Jasmine!
Smuggy4: No, I’m Mildred. We met on bingo night, remember?
Thatbabysastereo: Mildred! Of course. Sorry, I have a hard time keeping my ladies straight.
(beat)
Thatbabysastereo: If yaknowwhatImean.
—–
Me: Steve les odeurs des petits gateaux.
Steve: :(
Me: Why sad?!
Steve: I don’t know.
Me: I said, “Steve smells like cupcakes”
Steve: Oh, I thought you said “like small cats”
—–
Me: Jennifer, tu es trop mignon
Jennifer: I’m what? Filet mignon?
Me: I think I said you’re too nice.
Jennifer: Tu es une vache
Me: I am not a cow!!
Jennifer: Huh? Anyways..

Me: How do you say ‘I’m a pretty girl’ in French?
Jennifer: Je suis PREDDDY

Jennifer: Bienatot
Me: Au revoir. Jean Nate
——-
Jason: ” I imagined people just ceased existing as soon as they were no longer characters in my universe.”
——-
(picking up buffalo wings to-go for dinner.)

Me: Ugh.
*rolls down the window
Jennifer: Hey, roll the window back up.
Me: No, the Parmesan wings smell like ass.
Jennifer (wistfully): I wish my ass smelled like that

———
Jason to Jarron: You’re an only child, right?
Jarron: I have an older brother.
Suzanne: We’ve worked together all this time and you don’t know anything about us!
Jason: That’s not true. I know you have two sisters. And Jasmine has a brother.
Me: Huh?
Jason: Oh sorry, it just looks like a brother. Please don’t tell Jennifer this
—-
At the funeral, Jennifer and Vivian go up to the casket for the viewing:
Jennifer: Oh my gosh.
Vivian: Can..can we touch her?
Jennifer: Do you want to?
Vivian (grossed out): No.
Jennifer: Then why are you asking??
——–
Jasmine: You guys, stop flirting!
Jenn and Jason look at each other disgustedly.
Jenn: Gross. He’s like a brother…no, he’s more like an awkward cousin to me.
Jason (indignant): No, I’m more like a hot cousin who you sort of have a crush on but you know you shouldn’t but you can’t help it.
———-
Jasmine: You guys sit there, I’m going to take a picture.
Jen hugs Jason
Jason: Am I pregnant now?
—–
In NY

Jasmine texting Jason: We can meet up at a Ukranian 24 hr diner, or a place where you can cook smores and sit on couches drinking hot cocoa.

Jason text back: Wow! Are these places real?

Jennifer: Tell him yes, and you can play with unicorns there too.
——-
(driving in car, listening music)
Jennifer: Did you notice that each generation has their own rebels or outsiders when it comes to music? Back in the 60s, you had hippies. And now the hippies are replaced with emus.

Jennifer:…. I mean emos
—-

Dad: I can’t eat this dessert, it’s frozen solid.
Jasmine: We’ll just take it home. If they stop us, we’ll just explain that it’s too hard to eat now .
Dad (theatrically wrapping up the dessert in napkin, suddenly speaking english): This is really good, too bad it is frozen. It will be ready to eat in a couple of hours, so I must take it home, because i cannot eat it right here.
Jasmine (in viet): dad…you don’t have to explain to them…it’s not a big deal.
Dad (defensive, continues in english): I didn’t say anything to them! I’m just talking to you. Just between you and me.
Jasmine: Yeah, okay, so why loudly, and suddenly in english?
Dad: I’m didn’t say it loudly.
—-
Jasmine: See, your conversations always go back to bodily functions…
Nancy: OH! That reminds me… my friend Ryan did a presentation in college on the history of toothbrushing. Guess what people in Europe used to brush their teeth?
jasmine: Nooo! NO more talk about poop!
nancy: It’s not poop! i promise.
jasmine: oh ok…
Nancy: Pee!
Jasmine: ewww!
Nancy: And they thought Portugese pee was the strongest so they imporated it because it was supposedly the best.
jasmine: ewwwww!
nancy: See? I promised it wasn’t about poop.

——–
nancy: Oh sorry…is my driving scaring you?
Me:…No.
Nancy: You mean you’re used to it now?
Me (quietly): I’ve lost the will to live.

—————
Jason and I driving through Fredricksburg to explore the hillcountry. One inn seemed particulary cool. Too bad we didn’t have the funds to stay.
Me: Do you think maybe you could charm the owner into letting us stay for free?
Me (pretending to be an old woman): Why don’t you kids just rest up for a bit. I haven’t seen a young man around these here parts in a long time.
Jason: What do you mean? There’s a town just 10 minutes away, with lots of young men!
Me (as old woman): Not these parts (indicating surrounding area). These parts (points to crotch).
Jason (urgently): Jas, we can’t stay here.
Me: Why not? Didn’t she offer us rooms?
Jason: It’s not worth it, trust me!

——–

Nicole: I miss college.
Me: Me too.
Nicole: Where did you go?
Me: Austin.
Nicole: Oh yeah, great city. Nice bars and pubs.
Me: Oh yeah! Like Crown and Anchor.
Nicole: You know what I’m talking about.
(I nod)
(simultaneously)
Nicole: Cute guys.

Me: The cheesy fries.

———
Steve: Jasmine…do you want to hear an awful joke? A tasteless joke.
Jasmine: Yes!
Steve: Okay.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
Jasmine: Raccoons.
Steve: The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
———
Kevin’s and Jasmine’s plans for making money
Kevin: Maybe we can set up our own escort service featuring MD’s without licenses.
Jasmine: We can do prostate exams at the same time.
Kevin: We’ll call it Doctors without Morals.
—–

Cheri, program director passing out forms on orientation day: Please fill out the years you went to undergrad and medical school. If you took any leaves of absence, please enter that in and describe what you did, like ‘doing research’ or ‘backpacking through Europe.’

Mandy: The year I spent hooking in Vegas…
Me: That was a good year.
Mandy: Well…I wouldn’t say good. Lucrative, but not good.
—–
I was sitting in class today when I suddenly remembered this. I started laughing and people probably thought I was weird
Dr. Lawler: So in the video, what was the doctor doing wrong during the psychiatry interview?
Some student: He had a plant blocking the view between him and the patient.
Dr. Lawler: Right.
Stephen Chao: He was looking at the patient all bug-eyed.
Dr. Lawler:Uh, I don’t think he could help that. I think that was just the way his eyes are…
———
cheering stephen when he was running for some office or something
Me: goo stephen!
Tricia: Give me an S!
Me: Give me a T! E!
Tricia: L-Y. You ain’t got no alibi, you ugly!
—–
Dr Warren (during noon conference): So how was the first day? Good? How about the second year residents? You guys know this stuff already, right? You can do it in your sleep I bet.

Voice from back: And with these work hours, we are.

————-

stujkx : i think i’m gonna go get some food….
stujkx : i’ll be back
Smuggy4 : i guess i should go get food and head to the hospital
Smuggy4 : i just don’t know what to eat.
stujkx : a handful of pills
stujkx : YUM
stujkx : do it…
stujkx : go ahead and do it….
————————
Cheri : You have 4 hours to do your in-service exam. Fill out the scantrons, you know the drill- it’s just like the SATs and all those other tests you’ve taken.

Lane: That’s right. Bubble in your name and turn in your stool samples.

Jasmine: Lane? I left my stool sample in the corner of the chief resident’s room. I hope that’s ok.
———————-
Jason: One of my friends is a Disney architect.
Jasmine: What does he design specifically? Space Mountain?
Jason: He designs their hotels. Right now they’re building resorts in several cities.
Jasmine: Ooh, ask him to make one shaped like your buttocks.
Jasmine: Your mom sees it- “Now that hotel looks familiar.”
———————–
Dr Sparkman (half lecturing to us, half talking to herself while look at a patient’s xray)
: Gotta think testicular torsion. soemtimes these kids come in and you do an xray, work them up, and no one checks down there until the radiologist calls back and tells you their testicles are all twisted. Bad times man, bad times. Always check the beans.
—————
Jim: Did you hear about the guy who wanted to move out to the country and be a doctor?
Me: No
Jim: He tried but didn’t have the patients.
Me: Ba dum dum!

Jim: Did you hear about the kid who OD’d on sweet and low?
Me: No
Jim: They said it was the worst case of artificial diabetes!
Me: Booo.
Jim: Don’t you dare boo me young doctor.
Me: Boooooo.

———-
stujkx (5:20:32 PM): i love the idea of motorcycle riding
stujkx (5:20:39 PM): but not the death
——–

me: i like clothes at walmart
the maternity line
Laura: maternity line, seriously?
me: i find myself drawn to a shirt and then i realize i’m in maternity
Laura: maybe that means you will have many many children someday
Laura: or that you just want to sit around in moomoos and eat cheetos
———-
me: I loved Cookie Crisps, but it hurt to eat it.

Laura: my mom would never buy it for us
because it was made by Ralston, and Ralston is owned by Purina

me: i knew there was something doggy about it

Laura: yeah it always had that funky after taste

me: like horse?
Laura: yes. like horse hooves
———-

Nancy: I don’t mind withholding meals because the hungrier you are the better the food tastes.
Jasmine: Yeah, i’m sure starving children in Africa would like hearing that.
Nancy: Sad thing is, someone probably really tried to tell them that. “Just think how good it will taste when you finally eat”
——-
Jasmine: I plan on naming my child Mr. Creazil.
Steve: Plan on your child dying alone.
———–

steve: jasmine q. dao, what will you do with your day?
me: i will seize it
and impound it
steve: will it ever be recovered?
me: it is state’s evidence now
steve: how sad
me: things happen
me: how will you spend this day?
steve: i will sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, and work like I don’t need the money.
Mostly work though, because I need the money.
——-
Doc Brown: So what do you guys want to do when you grow up?
Trinity: Win the lotto.
—–
Trinity: The patient said she was pushed from behind at school, then immediately she had trouble breathing.
Student: Could it be a pneumothorax?
Sadie: …was she pushed with a knife?

—————

(Discussing my small poker addiction)

Me: You started me on this! You got me started with online games.

Daniel: You didn’t tell me your family had the gene!

Me: Vietnamese people didn’t have computers! We didn’t know.

Daniel: but now your children will be the wiser for it.

Daniel: If you ever pull yourself away from the computer long enough to have children.
————————–
Gina: I loved it the first few weeks
Jasmine: uh oh, there’s a ‘but’ coming up
Gina: There’s always a but(t) coming up.
————————–
George: so when you are leaving for your trip to Vietnam?
Jasmine: the 20th of october.
George: Do you know where you’re going to stay?
Jasmine: At a hotel.
George: not a brothel?
Jasmine:…what?!
George: you know, a brothel. It’s cheaper. Wait, is that what it’s called? A brothel?
Jasmine: Stop saying it so loud! And no!
George: Wait, is it called a brothel? What is it called?
Jasmine:…a hostel.
George: Ohhh right.
Jasmine : Do you know what brothel means?
George: I think i do now…
————————-
Jasmine: Hey guys, there’s this car in my smell..
(tiffany and laura burst out laughing)
Jasmine: What? What’s so funny
Tiff: Think about it, Jas.
Jasmine: A car in my smell?
Laura: A CAR in your SMELL?
Jasmine: Yeah..it really stinks..
Jasmine: Oh wait! I mean a smell in my car!
——
Carmen: …and they said they read Hustler for the articles. Yeah right.
Jasmine: Does Hustler even have articles?
Michelle (with exaggerated innocent shrug): I don’t know, Jasmine. Does it?
Jasmine (with even more exaggeration): I don’t knnnooww
——
Elisa: You know it’s a bad day when you’re resentful of your patients because they get to lay in a bed and you don’t.
——
(nurse telling about her date with a guy with a nervous twitch)
Me: So that doesn’t do it for you? You don’t go for that?
Nurse: I like my dates to have an intact autonomic system. It’s not listed, but it’s going to be now.
—-
Sylvia and Jason

stujkx: i wish i could be an egg donor
ThatBabysAStereo: you can be a sperm donor
stujkx: but they pay egg donors like $20,000
stujkx: oh… wait… its only $5,000
stujkx: donate two eggs so we can move
stujkx: actually, i bet its $5,000 total, and they take a bunch of eggs…
ThatBabysAStereo: no way… you can only take one egg at a time man!
Those things are precious!
stujkx: yea! this ain’t a buffet!

——

Dr. Spencer (exasperated by my question): Well I certainly didn’t inquire into the chickens’ sex lives.

—–

I think I’ve mentioned before my obsessive-compulsive nature over people sitting/ laying in my bed. It grosses me out a bit.

Me (walks in to see Jenn laying in my bed): Jennifer! What are you doing?!
Jennifer: Hi.
Me: What…you have your own bed. Why don’t you go there?
Jennifer: I peed in it.
Me: Get. Out.

—–

Jennifer texting our then 9 yr old cousin (yeah, kids text early these days)

Jennifer: Hi.

Zoe’s SN: Hi. This is Chris (zoe’s dad) signed under zoe’s name. Who is this?

Jennifer: This is Zoe’s much older boyfriend. Can I talk to her?

Chris: Sure. Let me get my shotgun and I’ll come over to  say hi.

——–

Smuggy : how is work sylvia? are you rubbing elbows with the stars?
thatbabysastereo : the other day one of my producers interviewed ryan gosling
thatbabysastereo : i wanted to BEG to come to the shoot
thatbabysastereo: but i would have just drooled and mumbled
thatbabysastereo: then ryan would have congratulated the producer on hiring the mentally unstable
Smuggy: wow!
Smuggy: but then maybe he would have gotten you a napkin and gently wiped your face with it, and end up staring in your eyes.
Smuggy: what would you have done then??
thatbabysastereo: pee in my pants

—–

Smuggy: So when are we going to Austin?

Stujkx: What days are good for you?

Smuggy: I’ll have to ask for time off. Wednesday, perhaps. Oops, wait, Wednesday is Valentine’s Day.

Stujkx: Yes. Is Valentine’s bad?

Smuggy: I had plans!

Smuggy: …no I didn’t.

Stujkx: You? plans? valentines? hahahaha… that’d be like me having plans on valentine’s… hahahahahahahaboohoohoohoo


Me: have fun watching goonies
Jason: have fun on your descent into madness

Me: Happy Mother’s day!
Daniel: Aren’t you a bit early?
Me: That’s what SHE said!
—–
(as posted by Kris)
Vidya: Any medical problems run in the family?
Pt: Do STDs count?
—–
Phil: Robin tried to teach me how to knit.
Me: How did it go?
Phil: Not good. I was doing everything right, but all that came out was this horrible big black mess…
Robin: It looked like pure evil.
Phil: Yes, a pile of knitted evil.
———
(Phone rings)
Me (picks up the phone): Coo.
Jennifer: ….Pigeon? Pigeon? Is that you?
Me: Coo, coo.
Jennifer: Hehe that tickles my ears!
———-

From Aaron’s microbiology T-shirt:  Be kind to microbes. It’s the only culture some people have.

—-

Glenn: In the olden days anyone could be an ambulance service. My grandfather actually had a van as an ambulance and he also worked as an undertaker.

Mike: Kinda contradictory  things you’d think? Makes you wonder about the level of service they were providing.

Aj:  “Maybe if we go slow enough….”

—-

Jasmine: I like flow cytometry!

Bill: Really? Our reports are suckage

Jasmine: I like the pretty dots.

Bill: They have dots on the report?

Jasmine: Yes. Yes? I see dots…

Jasmine: Oh god, my eyes…

——-

Bransen: When I do my clinical research, I’m gonna use dead people as my control. It’ll always come out showing improvment.

——
Aj (after finding a roach in her food): Jasmine…I keep thinking about the roach. I think it had eggs and they’re stuck in my throat.
Jasmine: Dammit Aj why did you have to mention the eggs!
Aj: I can’t help it!
—–
Kyle: You’ll be talking to a patient, getting a history on them, when suddenly Arwghghl, baby roaches start running out of your mouth.
Jasmine: Patient: Oh, so you’ve been to that restaurant too.
—-
Aj: So does your mom want you to grow out your mustache?
Azif: Yeah
Aj: What about your fiance?
Azif: They both want me to.
(looks at Azif’s old ID)
Aj: You better get started now then, if you want it to be that big

(Trying to wheedle Sarah out of her Ellen 12 days of Christmas tickets)
Karen: I’ll give you the poster you’ve been obsessing about. (explaining to us) it’s a promotional poster, one of a kind, for this singer sarah’s obsessed with.
Sarah: Oh no! I might actually give in to that.
Karen: If you want the poster, just give me a call.
Jason: If you want the antidote you will give ME the tickets!
Jason: Oh wait, first eat this apple.
—————-
Kevin (on a love interest): I’m afraid he’s into ugly.
———-

(on a supposedly glamorous trip to LA)
Me: So what have you been up to this Saturday ?
Jason: Well, I cubed a baguette for our pumpkin bread pudding. And…then I was bored, so I cubed them up some more.

————
Me: I want to have a kid I think. I mean, I have awesome genes. They should be propagated. One would be enough.
Aj: You can’t have just one!
Me: Aj…we’re not talking about potato chips here. We’re talking about babies
————-
Richard: So are you willing to be a surrogate for our baby?
Me: Sure! As long as one of you guys carry it for 9 months.
Jason: I think we can work this out.
———–
Aj: So Jasmine’s plan is to only date orphans so she can avoid having in-laws.
Mehwish: That’s a great idea! You’re so smart Jasmine. (her face lights up) Or, you can MAKE them orphans!
(chopping motions with her hands) Whack, whack!
——————
Erin (trying to help me overcome my fear of public speaking): Just imagine us naked.
Me: ugh..
Erin: And when you look in the audience I’ll do this (does a Charo hoochie hooochie dance)
Me: UGH get that image out of my mind!!!

(at the end of my presentation, I look up and yes Erin does the dance).
—————————
Me: Daniel, I need to get my friends something last minute. Help!
Daniel: What about those plush microbes?
Me: Great idea! I’ll just order it from ThinkGeek and get it sent to them…
Daniel: But then they’ll know the price!
Me: It’s ok.
Daniel: I guess, if you are close like that.
Me: Oh yes, we are close
Daniel: Do you all make out together?
Me: WHAT? How did “it’s ok they know the price of the gift” turn into “we make out together”???
Daniel: I don’t know! It just popped in my mind.
Me: You were totally imagining a bunch of girls at a slumber party pillowfighting with plush microbes, weren’t you?!
Daniel: Yes.
Me: Pervert…
Daniel: Look, I don’t even know your friends, ok?
Me: That’s right. They could be hideous for all you know. And you know what, they are!
Daniel (sing-songy voice): Not in my mind…
—————
From Netsanet’s Facebook status:
Troubles are a lot like people – they grow bigger if you nurse them.

Imran’s reply: And if you laugh at them, they get angry and leave!
——
Michelle: I showed mom a small fuzzy caterpillar once and she slapped it out of my hands.
Anna: She told me they’re poisonous. Is that true?
Gina’s Mom: To me, all worms are poisonous.
Me: They can make you itch…
Evan: They can tickle you to death with thousands of little butterfly kisses.
—–
Jason (talking on the phone)
Nancy: Oooh, that conversation sounded interesting.
Jason: I think you mean ‘that conversation sounded private.
—————————–
(eating pints of ice cream and hiding out at work)
Aj: are you almost done with your ice cream?
Me: Yeah. (shows her 1/3 of the carton left) How much do you have left?
Aj (sheepishly shows me she has only like 3 spoonfuls left)
Me: …How did you do that? You were doing most of the talking this whole time too.
Aj (distraught, ala Buster from Arrested Development): I’M A MONSTER!
——–
Telling my friends Mehwish and Ajla about my back-up career at Yellowstone Park
Me: So what are your back-up plans?
Aj (thoughtfully): I’ve always liked arts and crafts. I could work at Hobby Lobby.
———–
Paul: Jasmine, you should by this (points to a beige knitted cardigan, Bea Arthur style).

Jasmine: Ok Paul. I’ll buy it and save it to wear when I’m 60.

——–

Me: I wonder what goes on in your head sometimes Ajla.

Aj: Not much.

Me: I imagine circus music.

Aj (nods copacetically): Scary circus music.

————

*phone ring*
Jennifer: Hello?
Jasmine : Hi Jen! Tell me about your day.
Jennifer: ok…so today…i was feeling down…*click click* and i went home *click click* after *click* my…..*click*….ARE YOU LOADING A GUN??
Jasmine: Yes.

————–

Jason: you shouldn’t be embarrassed about going after whatever’s going to make you happiest,
no matter how lazy it reveals you to be.

——

Paul: Jasmine, what is a stuffed crust pizza?

Me: It’s a pizza, Paul, with cheese stuffed in the crust.

Paul (sincerely): Thank you for explaining that for me, Jasmine.

—————-

Aj’s mom: Jasmine, what is this Cash 4 Gold place?

Me: Well, auntie… it’s where you give them gold…and they pay you cash for it.

Aj’s mom: Hmmmm…

——————————-

(Discussing quirks in our relatives)

Me: You think maybe they’ve always been like that?

Aj: I don’t know, maybe. He didn’t talk a lot as a kid. You know when they’re young and they don’t really say much and so you don’t know what they’re really thinking?

Me: Yeah.

Aj: Well, that’s the way I like it.

——————

(reading a patient’s history)

Me: They listed Homeland as their primary care doctor? Isn’t that a grocery story?

Aj: That’s what I said.

Paul: I want Pizza Hut to be my PCP.

—–

Tricia: So what are you up to?

Me: My feet smell. I think they smell like popcorn, but I’m guessing other people probably don’t feel that way. Do your feet smell like popcorn?

Tricia:…so this is what I interrupted? You pondering about your feet smell?

———

Me: i think my feet smell like buttery popcorn
Daniel; mmmmm popcorn
Me: do your feet smell like buttery popcorn when they do smell?
Daniel: no, sadly
Daniel: my feet do not often smell
Me: it’s like a carnival down there
——–

Angeline: I’m a 7th day Adventist

Me: Wow, what else do you believe in?

(we laugh, because for some reason my voice comes off as condescending)

Angeline: Um, i believe in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus….

Me: That the children are our future…

Angeline: Teach them well and let them lead the way.

—————

Gina: What part of Vietnam is your family from?

Me: South. (suspisicously) What about you?

Gina: South too.

Me: Oh, good.

Gina: I thought you were, because when you said ‘vit’ you didn’t pronounce the V.

Me: We have southern accents.

Evan: Do you also get the vapors?

Me: Why, I do declare.

———

Me (to student, looking for a teaching exampe): Pick a baby, any baby.

Jay: It’s like you’re about to perform a magic trick or something

I imagine how this scenario would play out….

Me (as magician): Pick a baby, any baby!

Med student thinks.

Me (pulling baby from my pocket) Was this the baby you were thinking of?

Med student: No. But it’s still amazing how you managed to hide that baby in that pocket this whole time.

———–

Me: It makes me sad to think people don’t use the card filing system anymore.

Aj: Those cards smelled funny.

Evan: They reeked of desperation of students doing last minute research and thesis papers.

Me: And the loneliness of librarians resorting the stacks at the end of the day.

Evan: “oh dewey decimal, you were the only man who ever got me.”

—-

Me: Kids just look things up on the Internet now.

Gina: Thank goodness for the internet.

Evan: Just watch, one day something’s going to happen and the internet will break down and the world will go into utter chaos.

Aj: Except for Pakistan. We’re so behind we won’t even notice anything’s different.

Evan: In a way, Pakistan would be the world’s restore point.

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Published on April 9, 2008 at 4:24 am  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Yeah…this just made me evening. If only our minds could remember the crazy one-liners/bad puns/drag-rat illustrations of those Gables days. Somewhere there’s a cat walking in on little cats feet…

  2. ha! i remember that. Between the three of us we had a sitcom in the making. But not like the ones on Telemundo. We weren’t that good.

  3. how did this page end up here? It was supposed to be a secret page.


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