It’s been a doozy

The past few couple of months have really done a number on me. My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer just as her insurance was in the middle of being adjusted. We had to deal with her being uninsured for the first part of her treatment. It brought a whole new level of empathy for my patients and their financial concerns as well as their medical concerns. I call people at night now, as soon as I know results, knowing how hard it is to sleep without knowing, even if they had appointments to find out results the next day.

And I broke up from a relationship. It was a good one in the sense we shared many common goals and morals, but one based ultimately on friendship which doesn’t necessarily translant to romance. It was difficult to decide to part.

I was at my parents’ home poking around my old books looking for something when I found a folder from a course I took in UT. It was a course about relationships, which I took just to fill in some class time with my friend Tiffany. I remember thinking it was silly. One girl gave a presentation about the pros and cons of dating a virgin vs an experienced person (some of the reasons were just Ugh. But true. But Ugh.). It wasn’t all as superficial and Cosmo-y as I remembered though. I skimmed through the course material and saw it contained a lot of philopsophy, Plato and his definintion of an ideal relationship, etc. I found a section about conflict.
Conflict, it said, is important to a relationship. It is an indication of boundaries, of what each partner is willing to accept and not accept. When a relationship falls apart, it is because one person is unhappy with who they’ve become. They have allowed the relationship to define them in a way they do not like, and thus want out- they find themselves nagging, becoming contemptuous, things they never wanted to do, but are doing, because the boundaries that are supposed to protect oneself were not recognized or fully set in place.

It was interesting. Did it apply to my situation? I don’t know. Maybe. I hardly made a peep about likes or dislikes, and perhaps that played a role in the way things went. I always prided myself in being an easy going person, but perhaps easy going isn’t the answer in a relationship at all. I have the feeling the other person felt they were in a relationship a very warm, friendly amorphous cloud. Something with no real likes or dislikes.

Was that all there was to it? No, another part of the file stated how a special kind of attraction is required for a relationship to spark. Alas, i think that was the true nail in the coffin. Is attraction creatable? I like to think that not all relationships and not all people are the same, and we both felt that it was possible. But whether this was true, or how to go about doing it, or how long it would take…was never answered for us.

I asked Ajla if she ever wanted to rewind life and replay certain moments. She said no. I said incredulously “But then that means you have no regrets…(a light bulb goes off) because you believe that everything happens for a reason, right?”
Ajla: “Yup. And I love for the sake of love. It is the journey not what I get out in the end for me.”
I: “Awwww…how romantic. You sound like Minesh now.”
Ajla: “Aaaand you killed it.”
I: “I ruin moments, I know.” (sad face)

I used to think everything happens for a reason too, but sometimes that reason is because you made a stupid decision. Like the time Jennifer left a bowl of ramen noodles in her car for 2 days and then ate it anyways, then found herself projectile vomiting on the side of the road. A homeless man ran away from her. “You scared off the bum!” her friend exclaimed. I don’t think the Cosmos had anything particular planned for my sister to learn in that scenario.

I wonder which one was this. I had made a stupid decision the days prior to the break up, yes, but I was forgiven. Yet, I do find myself now with more time for my mom, and I know it brings her peace that I am there for her, undistracted. Maybe that is the reason for it.
Does it matter then, the post mortem of the relationship? It is broken, and I have some paths I must continue moving on, albeit lonlier.

But you knew it would be easier this way.
Thank you, then, for letting me go. No regrets, and I love you still.

Published in: on October 3, 2013 at 12:01 pm  Leave a Comment  

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