I went to a tanning salon for the first time in my life. Years of lecturing Jennifer and writing research papers and even trying to implement a sunscreen protection program in elementary schools- gone. I had always  thought if I wanted a tan I could do it the old fashioned way- by being a farmhand. But no. All of this because I had to wear a stupid tank top to the fair, and so despite my extreme paleness, I had tan lines. And I chose a strapless dress. Why can’t togas be in? I thought this when I got stuck trying to put the dress on. It was perfect just like that, and so much warmer and flattering to my body shape (which is that of a Chicken McNugget).

To justify tanning, I told myself that UV light was also treatment for eczema and that made me feel better. Also, I’m an honorary brown person, so I might as well take the final step towards that.

  I considered going to the NICU and sticking myself under the bililights. But I refrained, as the children need it more than I do.

The people at the store were very freckly. Melanoma-y? They were nice. They showed me the beds, called Xtreme and Ultra, and scary American Gladiator-type names like that.

After the first round (which lasts 10 minutes), I left, looking dusky, with tan lines. Like I’d gone through a cloud of dust. They told me to return, so I did. Now I am lobster-y. It hurts. I was just there for 10 minutes. luckily it’s not the shoulder area that’s burnt, it’s the legs, which the dress hides. But I need to use those legs to get from place to place. And I think I see new freckles, all around my tan lines.

Published in: on October 14, 2010 at 7:13 am  Comments (8)  

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  1. Maybe the freckles are just marshaling their forces for a final assault on the tan lines, which are obviously bourgeois holdouts against the greater melanin agenda. Soon you’ll be uniformly tan and on your way to becoming a socialist paradise for UV-blocking particles!

  2. The biggest freckle is the William Wallace of melanin.

  3. You know they have spray tans that cover without the burn. Just saying.

    • I turned orange with mystic tanning back a few years back. with the wedding only a few days away, I was worried I wouldn’t have time to unorange it.
      I think the coloration is better now though. alas.

  4. wow! i never would’ve guessed that you would go to a tanning salon, jasmine!! i am not judging you here in case you feel that way. did it help your eczema?
    i had a friend who had gone to the beach before her wedding, and she had bad tan lines. she tried to fill in the tan lines with self-tanning cream. she ended up verrry blotchy. how many times did you go??

    • I went twice. I still don’t look tan, do i?
      My eczema rebounded I think. but shouldn’t we talk about this on private email?

  5. you’re asian! you’re supposed to revel in your fairness. i tried so hard not to get tan before the wedding. failed miserably.
    feel free to email me about your skin woes.

    • I was too pale. I was at risk for rickets. Yes, i’ll email about the eczema, but feel free to talk about my rickets here.

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