Can I interest anyone one in Scientology books?

They’re brand new, still wrapped, unread. I had come across a box labeled “Free Books” at the public health library. Usually it’s filled with books that look gross- that if you’d place them under a black light, they’d glow from fecal, blood, etc. stains – like hotel comforters.

But this time, the books looked clean. While I have zero interest in reading about Scientology/Dianetics, I had a vague idea that I would use them as emergency firewood or to level an uneven table. So I grabbed like 6 or 7. 

For awhile I just used them as weights while I jogged around campus (it’s a really small campus) in between classes. But now I’m tired of them. The library is pretty far to drive to, and I have to pay for parking. I could dump them in the street…but that might be littering? Not sure. Also, I don’t think I want to spread the gospel of Ron L. Hubbard. So if anyone has an uneven table or (insert your own creative use for a book on Scientology here) then let me know and I’ll send you a copy.

This isn’t the first time my desire for free stuff has gotten me in trouble. In a story Nancy knows well, once during Valentine’s Day back in ’99 or so, I was wandering the student services building of UT. I came across a huge candy bowl full of colorful plastic wrapped Valentine’s candy- probably mints or lifesaver-type stuff from the look of it. I put my backpack down, opened it up, and without a sense of embarassment or rationing. I started throwing handfuls in.

Then I walked home, went up to my dorm and I took out one of the packages. Only then did I notice it said “Be Safe!” That’s an odd thing to say on candy, I thought. Choking? Then, sudden realization. I squished the package. It was squishy, but not in  candy sort of way. Now I understood I had a backpack full of condoms, and anyone who had been in the building had seen a crazed little asian girl loading up on a LOT of condoms, unashamed, and unapologetic for her apparent Valentine’s day plans.

I did think about keeping them. Condoms are very useful for keeping things dry. So like if you’re about to wade through water and want to keep matches dry, tie them up in a rubber. Or for holding water. Or drug smuggling. Only, I wasn’t in the field undergoing army training. And I never do a lot of wading. And I’m not a drug mule (see also: Maria Full of Grace).

In the end, I think I just left them out in the commons area where eventually they disappeared.




Published in: on June 4, 2008 at 5:11 am  Comments (10)  
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10 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’ll help you get rid of them… – Week in Review

  2. Really? Will you help with ideas for disposal, or do you want them?

  3. I think it was a call to partnership. ‘help you get rid of them.’

  4. Post to this forum:

    I’m sure somebody there will take them off your hands.

  5. whoohoo! Awesome, thanks.

  6. I’m not sure where on the site I should be posting it.

  7. oh oops. I thought s/he meant the condoms, not the books.

  8. it might be too late now, because you may have given them all away, but i have a suggestion: keep them and give them as gag gifts to people for christmas, birthdays, etc. seriously. i have an awesome brother-in-law and he said one of the best gifts i ever gave him was the assortment of random religious books that i gave him for like flag day or something a few years ago. it included a free book of mormon, some scientology books, something from the kabbalah people (the zohan, maybe? or is that who you don’t mess with?), a handful of chick tracts, a old hymnal that i stole from a friary, like 15 mint condition watchtowers, etc. i hate to disrespect other peoples’ faiths, but sometimes it’s really funny.

    yes, i am a bad person and i am going directly to hell. why do you ask?

  9. lol rockle. I believe there is a special circle of hell for your kind of gag-gifters ;)

  10. Thanks for sharing this information, it’s been put to very good use!

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