On buying self-defense

I used to take judo, and once I asked my sensei for self-defense moves.

“Wear good sneakers”

I thought about getting my money back right then but was too shy. Which is a good thing, because I got a great workout, had fun, and learned a cold hard truth: I was never going to be able to toss a gang of mobsters over my head -at least, not if they’re unwilling. Heck, a 14 yr old girl* was hurting me easily (she soon left to start her path in the world of boxing). Running, I’ve learned, IS the best way (see also Rincewind).

But what if you can’t? What if you decided to walk down a dark-seemingly-abandoned alley while in high heels? Then, you, my illogical dear, would want something  that can work at a distance. Pepper spray is for close use. If there is any wind then you might get a face full of it. So I started a search for tasers.

The first thing I found was a taser shaped like tampons. WHY? Why do you want to trick them into thinking a taser is a tampon? We want the attacker to understand we are armed. It’s a deterrent. You don’t see the United States pretending their nuclear weapons are giant tampons. We want the world to know we have them.
The site is silly looking. I love the actor at the bottom.

I don’t know. It seems undignified. I’d be too embarassed to use it. And what if you accidentally grab a real tampon instead?  You’d be stuck pretending it’s a weapon, maybe making lame “pew! pew!” shooting sounds.

During my search for tasers, I ran across an interesting pepper spray ad. http://www.projectsecuritycorp.com/pepper-spray-rings.html
The ad suggests to use it for jogging, dating…wait, dating? If I wore that on a date, I’d think my date would feel really hurt. It’s sending the message “I like you enough to spend more time with you, but I want the option of firing caustic, painful liquid into your eyes at some point.” Bright side: I’d probably never have to go dutch for anything.



*er, maybe 11.

Published in: on April 10, 2008 at 8:59 pm  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Rincewind FTW! Just recently discovered Terry Pratchett and ZOMG how much do I love me some Rincewind? See, this is why I love you. We have this in common. This, and the fact that you’re a TOTAL HOT BABE. Who can someday prescribe me Xanax.

  2. Right back at ya, Rockle (except for the Xanax part…)! Hot Smart Funny Babes FTW!

  3. i’d be afraid of confusing a real tampon with the taser– the other way around. OUCH.

  4. oh, they’re stuck together. only someone with a double horseshoe vagina would have a problem with that, then.

  5. Only kidneys are described as horseshoe.
    However, you’re right that double vaginas do exist.

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