(discussing pat…

(discussing patient-physician interactions between opposite sex)

Saurabh: No matter how professional you are, the patient ..and the doctor…is dealing with a person. Especially in India, most ob gyns are female. 

Me: I remember in med school we had people come in, preceptors, who let us do those exams on them. The lady was really outgoing, all ‘I lived in the 70s and did the whole mirror-looking-at-your-own vagina-thing’. But I still felt bad for her, because here is a whole line of strangers waiting to examine you that way. So I thought I’d do what Patch Adams did, treat her like a person- not just a body part we use to learn from. So I smiled at her, you know, to connect. And ..she freaked out. Her eyes widened and she said ‘now, I may be a hippie and flower child and all, but I don’t..I’m no lesbian’ …I was mortified!  I was just smiling too, I didn’t waggle my eyebrows or anything! What made her think that?!

Alanna: You were wearing a scarlet ‘L’

Me: Anyways, the moral of the story is: be a robot.

Alanna (robot voice): I am here to examine you. Lay down. You appear to be displaying emotions, would you like assistance with that? (Mr roboto dances)

Me (stiffly patting imaginary patient’s head): There, there now. 

 

Looking back, I understand what I did wrong. The patient’s whole bravado thing was just show, her way of going through the process. She was vulnerable, and needed that shield of nonchalance, and for me to break that barrier made the whole process too personal. Goes to show you can’t always trust movies with Robin Williams in it*.

 

 

* Cross dressing nannies aren’t always awesome. See also, Mrs. Doubtfire.

 

(over the phone…

(over the phone)
Mom: What movie did you go watch?
Me: Muppets.
Mom: Lovefits?
Me: No, Muppets! Muppets! Kermit the Frog…
Mom: Lovefits? Lovefits? What kind of movie is this?? 

 

Nancy and I discussing how we’re getting older and like staying in and sleeping a lot more now a days.

Me: I had a friend whose philosophy was we should do as much as we can now, because we can sleep when we’re dead.

Nancy (with pure, honest excitement): OH!! Was your friend Bon Jovi??!

Me: No…her name was Kris. And I think her husband was the one who said that. No, her husband isn’t Bon Jovi either.

Nancy (singing enthusiastically): “I’ll live while I’m alive, I’ll sleep when I’m dead”

 

 

On friends

Christmas time is around the corner, time to reflect on things we’ve done through the year and the friends we’ve killed, i mean, made, and time we’ve shared with old friends who have managed to survive the vetting process.

Signs of a good friend #1

Friends share your priorities

Nancy: There’s always noise in New York City. You never have a real moment of quiet like in the country. But then I discovered that meant I can fart anytime and not worry about people hearing it.

Me: You know, that’s something I’ve always looked for in a city but never admitted to anyone, not even myself…

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Signs of a good friend #2

Friends make you feel safe

Me (while driving through a small town at night): Oh no, oh no we just missed the exit, now we’re on this deserted road and we’re gonna get murdered.

Daniel: Don’t worry Jasmine, if we get attacked by anyone I’m an expert in at least 7 forms of (pause) running away

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Signs of a good friend #3

Friends understand each other on a different level

Amar: Flames, flames on the side of my face….

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Signs of a good friend # 4

Friends see things in a positive light

Me (while playing a video game): Is it bad for a grown woman to wish to be a dwarf noble in real life?

Daniel: No, because everyone wants to be something else that is badass. Like, a lot of girls wish they were Kim Kardashian. But if you and a girl who wished they were Kim Kardashian both got what they wanted- who would really be happy?

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Signs of a good friend # 5

Friends tell you the truth when others don’t.

Jennifer: What’s wrong with your hair? It looks like…

Me: Like birds have been nesting in it?

Jennifer: Yes, exactly.

Me: You know, I thought so, but people kept telling me it looks ok.

Jennifer: here, let me take a picture and show you.

Jennifer: Ok, so it’s actually pretty in the photo, but trust me, it’s bad.

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Signs of a good friend #6

Friends let you know how much you’re worth

Mona: Jasmine, what are you getting Ajla from the store?

Me: I’m giving her my friendship. Isn’t that enough?

Mona: No! That’s no good. You have to give her something else, like cheesecake.

Jasmine: … cheesecake’s better than my crappy friendship?

Ajla (diplomatically): It’s only crappy in comparison with the cheesecake.

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Signs of a good friend #7

Friends give each other meaningful presents

Ajla: Here’s a gift for you, Jasmine. You like food, so …(hands over a box of toy foods)

Me: Thanks Ajla! (opens box). Oh boy! There’s pear, cheese…Squeaky Mustard….

(holds the plush mustard up. Squeeze it, and it squeaks)

Me: Um, Aj…I think these are dog toys…

Ajla: What?

Me (reads side tag): For dogs only.

Ajla: But it wasn’t in the pet aisle!

Ajla’s mom: It only says that so children won’t choke on it.

Me; (squeaks the mustard)

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Signs of a good friend # 8

Friends can be honest about feelings

Gina: Am I a mean person?

Me (recalling bitterly something that happened months ago): Yes. You laughed when my bratwurst fell off of my plate while I was trying to eat it.

Gina: HAHAHAHAHA.

Evan: The funny thing was that that particular incidet came to you so quickly. It’s like you were really upset, but was all “I can’t let her see me cry, cause that’ll just make her laugh more.”

Gina: And I would have!

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Signs of a good friend #9

Friends teach you new things

Minesh: I’ll just throw out these old bananas, or feed them to the pigeons.

Me: Pigeons eat bananas?

Minesh: I think they do.

Me: I didn’t know that…are you sure you’re not mixing up pigeons with monkeys? “Oh, look at that pigeon swinging through the trees with its tail”?

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